a blind faith

Being blind really scares me, I think I would be terrified to lose my sight. Sometimes when I get migraines that are ocular in nature I lose part of my vision and it's the worst feeling to me, so completely frightening. But really we are all blind here on earth, stumbling along with our hands out feeling around for anything familiar to grasp onto.

I'm afraid when I can see signs of trouble but don't know the whole story. I'm afraid when I get the sense that something is wrong but my desire is to ignore it and go on pretending everything is okay. I just want life to be okay right now. I don't want another hurdle to overcome. I don't want another set of stresses and pushes and pulls on my family, my marriage, my household.

Many of you know we have a large family that extends beyond our children. Actually, we had four children before our people children were even born! I've always had a love for animals and a strong sense to help them. And it always breaks my heart when I can't. Right now both of our dogs have troubling symptoms and I really need wisdom on how to proceed. Please pray that I will make good choices for them, for their care, for their diet. Please pray for a quick and complete healing because I do believe that God hears all of my requests and that He is the ultimate healer.

I've wondered in my life why it seems that when it rains it pours. And then I began noticing a pattern that in the times I began to draw closer to the Lord and really feel like I was in His will all of these outside things started to happen. The smooth sailing would become choppy, rough, then suddenly I felt as though I were drowning beneath so much weight. I carry a lot on my own with three kids and four pets and a home to run and as much as I'd like to think I'm a strong enough person - ha! - that's all I am, a person. I cannot possibly do everything all of the time. I cannot be everything to everyone around me all of the time. Going from being up all night with sick children to going up all night with sick pets leaves very little time for, well sleep! And as a mother the sleep is always light because you're constantly listening for good breathing, listening to who needs to go outside, listening to hear who might need something next. And even if I wanted to shut that part of me off and ignore everyone, which believe me I wish I could do sometimes, I just can't. It's my job to care for everyone around me and I do NOT enjoy failing at it.

And that's where my blind faith comes in. I have been learning to trust that even if I can't fix everything, research everything, administer everything, chart everything or love everything 100% of the time that I am still doing the best that I can. I sometimes feel bad that we chose to have so many little ones to care for, but they are here and I love them. I choose to love them.

Duke eats toilet paper.
Quark gets huge mats of hair that need to be shaved.
Kira has butt problems.
Kyla eats things she shouldn't.

They are all wierd and wonderful and complete us. They bring us joy and laughter and memories and we love them.

And I choose to love them even though it hurts sometimes. I'd rather love with a little hurt than never know the love they have given me.